Pineapple Shaped Anal Probe Hilarity

Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Is all my brain and body need
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Are very good indeed

   - by Ian Dury & the Blockheads

A sentiment I couldn't agree more with.

But these days rock 'n' roll stars seem to be more clean living than ever. I sat there last night watching one of these satellite music channels wondering who'd taken away the sex and the drugs?

I mean knowing that your favourite rock star is a member of PETA is all very well and good but am I alone in hankering for the days when small fluffy animals were in danger from bat chewing rock fiends? These days they're all out saving whales. It doesn't seem right to me.

And drugs. Why do I get the odd feeling that increasingly most of the MTV generation of rock musicians are more likely to suffer an Evian overdose rather than be found in a gutter foaming at the mouth with a head full of crack. Praise be for Docherty and Winehouse. They do the drugs so I don't have to.

In the good old days you knew that Sid and Nancy had more drugs than any two people could need to keep them warm in a squat. Ok it didn't have a very happy ending but at least you knew people were living extraordinary lives all tinged with excess and lunacy.

Somehow knowing that most excessive thing the latest 'Hot new thing' on MTV does is have an extra portion of Tofu at dinner time doesn't make me want to put a safety pin through my nose and upset my parents.

What is the point of celebrities that are as boring as I am?

You know I sit there and watch these shows that are supposed to 'expose' the extraordinary lives of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and all I can think is how boring their lives are. Just on a far bigger budget.

Extreme Dieting? Casual Fucking? Nervous Breakdowns?

Sounds like a night out with half of my friends. There's nothing to aspire to there.

And all these 'rock stars' look so clean. Watch old footage of the Sex Pistols and you can almost smell the B.O. and the piss and stale lager.

Isn't it sad that I look at what's out there these days in the mainstream and think to myself "They look so clean. I really should take a shower and wash my hair..."

So all I can conclude is that I am a Rock and Roll star in my own life.

A celebrity in my own bedroom.

Shame I'm tone deaf and I can't play an instrument.

Doesn't mean I won't get a record deal though.