Pineapple Shaped Anal Probe Hilarity

Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Is all my brain and body need
Sex and drugs and rock and roll
Are very good indeed

   - by Ian Dury & the Blockheads

A sentiment I couldn't agree more with.

But these days rock 'n' roll stars seem to be more clean living than ever. I sat there last night watching one of these satellite music channels wondering who'd taken away the sex and the drugs?

I mean knowing that your favourite rock star is a member of PETA is all very well and good but am I alone in hankering for the days when small fluffy animals were in danger from bat chewing rock fiends? These days they're all out saving whales. It doesn't seem right to me.

And drugs. Why do I get the odd feeling that increasingly most of the MTV generation of rock musicians are more likely to suffer an Evian overdose rather than be found in a gutter foaming at the mouth with a head full of crack. Praise be for Docherty and Winehouse. They do the drugs so I don't have to.

In the good old days you knew that Sid and Nancy had more drugs than any two people could need to keep them warm in a squat. Ok it didn't have a very happy ending but at least you knew people were living extraordinary lives all tinged with excess and lunacy.

Somehow knowing that most excessive thing the latest 'Hot new thing' on MTV does is have an extra portion of Tofu at dinner time doesn't make me want to put a safety pin through my nose and upset my parents.

What is the point of celebrities that are as boring as I am?

You know I sit there and watch these shows that are supposed to 'expose' the extraordinary lives of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and all I can think is how boring their lives are. Just on a far bigger budget.

Extreme Dieting? Casual Fucking? Nervous Breakdowns?

Sounds like a night out with half of my friends. There's nothing to aspire to there.

And all these 'rock stars' look so clean. Watch old footage of the Sex Pistols and you can almost smell the B.O. and the piss and stale lager.

Isn't it sad that I look at what's out there these days in the mainstream and think to myself "They look so clean. I really should take a shower and wash my hair..."

So all I can conclude is that I am a Rock and Roll star in my own life.

A celebrity in my own bedroom.

Shame I'm tone deaf and I can't play an instrument.

Doesn't mean I won't get a record deal though.

The taste of Corn Plasters in your Cupcakes

Kids.

Scary aren't they?

Now that every town has been over-run by teenage thugs drinking on street corners it isn't safe for adults to leave their houses or they'll be instantly murdered to death by some 11 year old in a 'hoodie'.

Or at least that's what certain sectors of our fine Media want you to believe kind reader...

Am I alone in wondering when exactly we started to hate kids so much? I mean when did we as adults become so impotent that we all have to clear off the streets at dusk for fear of bands of these 'killer kids'. When did this state of fear come to pass?

I went out after dark once. On a Saturday. And in my town it wasn't kids rolling around drunk and beating each other up. It was adults.

STOP THE PRESS

I know I was shocked myself.

See it seems that in your average small U.K . town the biggest thing you have to fear is other adults. Binge drinking. Binge fighting. Binge living.

Looking at NSPCC statistics it would appear that being a kid really isn't a particularly safe profession afterall.

See, according to the NSPCC, it looks as if on average each week a child is killed by a parent or carer. 25% of rapes reported are committed against people under 16 years of age. The people most likely to suffer a violent death are babies under 1 year.

So who is really it risk here?

See I thought as a timid 32 year old it was me who had the most to fear. I mean according to the Press I should be incontinent with terror about the 16 year old waiting for me in the shadows.

See I think society has always been afraid of it's young people. We've been expecting that evil looking youth to slit our throats since the Mods and Rockers took to Brighton Beach back in the 1960's.

But now I am starting to wonder. It almost seems like the Press might have some sort of, oh I don't know, agenda here?

"15 year old crack thug kills Christian mother of 4"

Makes a far sexier headline than

"Father beats 12 year old black and blue"

Which is more likely to happen though?

Answers on a Postcard please.

Foaming Blister Juice Infusion

I for one am beside myself about Britney Spears.

I couldn't sleep last night with the worry about Amy Winehouse.

Paris Hilton? God, I just prey she makes it through today unscathed!

Worrying about people you've never met is so much more fun than having to have actual thoughts or fears about the real people in your life don't you find? Real people are unsatisfying because you have to, like, have real emotions connected to them wheras a life mediated through Heat Magazine or Intrusion Weekly is alot safer. Like bowling with the guard rails up.

I mean with Winehouse I am torn between vicarious torment over her spiral into a drugs hell and my god given right to moral outrage about her setting a bad example for the nations youth. Won't somebody please think of the children!

Who could ever have forseen a musical artist turning to drugs and booze? It has left me shocked, outraged and aroused to the very core of my being.

Fortunately those kind people at The Sun have released (as a selfless act of theraputic outreach) a video of Winhouse injecting a crack pipe. Now the tabloid press are involved I can breath a sigh of relief knowing that they'll soon have her fixed up.

*phew*

That was a close one!

As for Ms Spears it must be so comforting to have your nervous breakdown in public. In fact maybe she should consider turning this into a reality TV series? I can see it now - like The Osbournes on suicide watch. Doesn't the thought of it make you a bit wet in your media gland?

If only Heath Ledger had a crew of Paparazzi 'minders' about. See that's what happens when we the great media consuming public aren't keeping an eye on you pesky celebs...

Actually now that I think of it aren't I a stakeholder in Spears's life? I mean I buy the papers, read the magazines and pay for the TV that features her. I'm like a shareholder in her continued mental torment. She better not harm herself or I'll sue!

I like the fact that Soap Opera has gone beyond scripted TV drama and is now being played out across the pages of a tabloid newspaper near you in actual life. We don't need Big Brother anymore - the world is full of housemates to judge and vote off one by one. If only I could evict people from real life using a handy premium rate phone number.

This years Big Brother should be good though. I understand that upon each eviction the evicted housemate will be led onto a scaffold and publicy hung by Davina McCall.

Well you have to give the public what they want.

They're payng the price afterall....