Ruminating the Retardation of Romance

Q: "What's the best way to a man's heart?"

A: "Through his ribcage with a carving knife"

It's funny how life can repeatedly teach you things you already know. Like the fact that the vast majority of the male sex are absolutely lacking anything to recommend them.

"Ooo who's broken your heart this week?" I hear you cry.

Well to put it bluntly, nobody. That's half the problem. So far my heart is being broken by proxy. Looking at my friends and other animals I can see precious little to recommend having one of those new fangled human relationships that all the kids are banging on about these days.

I mean from my Ivory Tower all I can see is people having forced insecurity overdoses brought on by feckless males.

So this week just gone I've been feeling the hate for my fellow man. In the space of a just 7 days at least 4 females I know have been fucked with (and not in the happy way that leaves carpet burns) by cockwit males. It hardly makes me feel I want to settle down. Although the fact that, hetero or homo, men are seemingly full of shit should probably come as some small comfort.

Perhaps Lesbianism is the answer?

Having said that they seem just as baffled by affairs of the heart as I am so maybe I'll just carry on with the whole man-love thing.

*sigh*

Sorry is my frustration showing?

Underneath all this angst and knuckle chewing the dirty little truth is that it's been ages since I last had any cock and I'm feeling the burn in all the wrong places.

Y'know people say to me "You'll find someone oneday to settle down and have a relationship with"

Then I look at half of the people I know who are in them and think to myself...

"God I hope not"

Cynical. Much.

Milky Smooth Marmoset Mousse

Spring is springing and a young gays loins turn to thoughts of filth...

I can feel that usual hunger beginning to rise in my manparts. A feeling which usually only precedes a sense of vague disappointment as I realise that the flesh is willing but the opportunity is weak.

See I hate being one of those perennial singletons who constantly harks on about how much more shiny their life would be if they had a somebody to share it with. Nearly all of the people I know who are in relationships seem to have nothing but trouble with them and I'm not keen to jump aboard that particular bandwagon. I can manage to have trouble without a partner to prompt it.

Look. Ok. The dirty truth is I just need some skin-on-skin action. I'm not gonna kid ya that I'm looking for the one when at the moment I feel like I might need two or three to satisfy this itch.

They (whoever they are) say that the gays are a promiscuous lot and in theory I think I agree. In theory simply because my desire to be promiscuous remains at this moment simply a theoretical concept yet to be taken out onto the streets for practice.

To my mind the main advantage of having a regular partner is that it means saving yourself the bother of going out every weekend looking for sex. Why have a dishwasher and wash your own plates? Yeah I think you know where I'm going with this....

I thought when I left my teens I'd leave behind the constant juvenile hunger for sex but it seems the hunger has followed me across the decades. My hands are down my pants as much now as they ever were. 31 going on 13?

I wonder if I could be like the Catholic priesthood and focus my thoughts on higher pursuits?

You know now that I think about it Catholic Priests are hot....

Mmmm Sacrilicious.

Doomladen Dogma Dosage

Are you who you say you are?

Can you prove it? Do you have ID? I must see three forms of photo ID before I will believe you are actually you...

What kind of world is it we are living in where you are automatically presumed to be an imposter in your own life?

We went to the bank today to sort out a boring joint account issue and my housemate (who's the named party on the account) was told upon producing his card drivers licence that it was not valid as ID unless he had the paper version with it.

I don't have the energy to explain to you how much shit like this makes me want to round up and angry mob and take to the streets...

It seems that none of us are to be trusted and eventually will all have to carry photographic ID to confirm that the three forms of ID we produce to prove we are who we say we are is in fact valid.

All these institutions introdcuing layer upon layer of 'security' between us and our money and are we safer? No. For gods sake the managing director of Barclays had his credit card defrauded this week, what hope do you or I have. None!

Am I me? Has my identity been stolen already to be used by myself to defraud me out of my own money?

Are any of us who we are?

Are you?

No. Thought not.

It's Invasion of the Bodysnatchers all over again. I am my own pod person replica.

The Steady Stream of Self-indulgant Seepage

Tonight on Dawson's Creek...

I am in self indulgent mood this weekend. Barely days into this new year and I can feel my sense of 'bleurgh-ness' creeping back into the dusty corners of my mind.

Perhaps I should join the Gym or buy a minor celebrities exercise DVD? I can just see me going for the burn in the comfort of my own living room. Yes indeed.

I haven't made any New Years resolutions. Well not really. I think I have come up with a "To do..." list for 2008. See what you think:

• Have more sex - which as a 30 something male should come as no surprise to you
• Be nicer to other Gays - it's not really their fault they annoy me.
• Try to spend less money on things that only make me happy for 15 minutes

Hardly a particularly enlightened list is it?

But I'm not really a fan of all this desperate soul searching and self-improvement. I think it is highly unlikely that many people can actually improve themselves that much.

As somebody wiser than me once said "You can't polish a turd...".

Wise words indeed.

Everybody is on a diet that they'll only manage to maintain for about month - for goodness sake January is depressing enough without denying yourself the twin pleasures of Alcomohol and Food.

And I'm quite happy to give into my cravings for both. Throw in sex and cigarettes (the latter to which I've never fully committed) and I am a happy little piglet.

Talking of sex. Why is it that when you aren't having any it seems the rest of the world suddenly discovers what their peopleparts are for? I'd have a longer whinge about the ache in my loins if I didn't think it would put you off your lunch.

Needless to say as a committed homosexualist I am feeling the societal pressure to live up to the stereotype of my kind. If I'm not more diligent I'm sure somebody is going to come and take me Gay Licence away. I mean it's alright for you straight types but in my world there are stringent quotas and I'm under performing in every category.

Multi-way felch marathon anybody?

No. Didn't think so.